How To Spot Potential Manipulators?

Here are – in a very generalized way – some signs indicating that you could be dealing with a manipulator...remember people these are all universal techniques!

They Don't Respect Your 'NO!'

Many manipulators just won’t accept a 'no'. They’ll still try to convince you, win you over, intimidate or seduce you into doing it. This can be done in a very charming way, in an authoritarian way, in a teary way, in a cool way, or whatever other way. The fact remains that they are in truth... by not respecting your 'no'.This should make your alarm bells ring (Ding-Dong!). Always pay attention when someone refuses to hear no. Big red flag.

They Don't Respect Your Will

Same as with a no but applicable to all kinds of other decisions as well. If someone does not accept your decisions, perk up your ears. Smelly orc in sight. Unless of course you suck and they are trying to help!

They Don't Respect Your Personal Space

This can happen on different levels: on the physical level... (they come too close or they systematically imitate your posture), on the intellectual level... (they either try to make you change your mind in a pushy way or adopt your every opinion as theirs), on the emotional level... (they stick to you or always imitate your feelings), etc. This is no proof for manipulation but in my experience, people who disrespect other people’s personal boundaries also often tend to use manipulation to get what they want. But keep in mind that this point is only applicable to amateur manipulators! Experts know exactly what to do without making you feel uncomfortable.

They Make You Feel Uncomfortable

Manipulative people often make us feel uncomfortable “for no reason”. Might seem irrational to you, but trust your intuition. Your gut knows. Your work is to listen to these feelings instead of discarding them if they’re not rational. Again...this is only applicable to amateurs!

They Are Never Straightforward

While trying to manipulate you, of course manipulative people aren’t being straightforward! That’s how manipulation works. But in my experience they also tend not to be very straightforward people in a more general way. For example, when they express themselves, this could happen in an indirect way, like saying “It’s getting late” instead of “Time for you to go”. There’s nothing bad with being polite and subtle – just pay attention and check out if that’s a recurrent pattern in this person’s general communication style.

Do they make indirect suggestions instead of clearly asking for what they want? (”This box is so heavy!” instead of “Would you please help me carry this box?”) Do they state their opinions in a direct way, or using allusions and hints? (”Do you want to come shopping clothes with me some day?” instead of “Your clothes look lame.”) Do they express their feelings openly, or do they give you cryptic cues and expect you to get it? When you ask how they are, do they say “I’m okay” but look like they’re attending a funeral, or do they say “I’m sad”?

All this in itself is no manipulation of course. It’s just a sign that this person could be prone to using an over-average amount of manipulation in their communication.

*Expert manipulators can be a very straightforward person too...that's why in my opinion, manipulators = bullies.

We’ll talk about how to defend yourself when confronted to manipulators in one of my next posts =)

Courtesy of Ariff

©Naughty Productions 2009

Manipulation, Manipulators and The Manipulated (Intro)

Manipulation is crown jewel of communication techniques. What manipulators have in common is that they have a hidden agenda that they pursue without clearly saying it. Many people use manipulation to get what they want. Nevertheless, it can be very difficult to defend oneself against it, or even to recognize it. Its like checkmate in chess terms.

So chances are good that you do have contact with manipulators (or are one yourself) since there are many of them around us. Using it for good or bad, that's their problem.

What is Manipulation?

Manipulation can take many forms: emotional blackmail (making you feel bad in case you don’t do what is expected from you), flattering you or telling your things in order to make you do something specific, testing you, etc. In all cases, manipulators try to gain control over your feelings and/or behavior by playing in some way on your weaknesses.

The goal for them is to get what they want. When they are successful, you end up doing what they want, even if it is something you would not have chosen to do out of your free will.

For example, if you feel particularly proud and valuable when you are needed, someone knowing this can deliberately play victim in order to make you help them. If you secretly think that you are lazy and feel bad about that, and someone suggests that you’d be a lazy bum if you don’t help them move on Saturday, chances are good that you will spend your Saturday carrying transport boxes.

Manipulators do or say certain things in order to influence your feelings in such a way that you react the way they want you to react. The manipulator usually says things in an indirect and subtle way. The underlying, unspoken message, which is what they’re really telling you, is expressed between the lines, not in a clear and direct way. Manipulators don’t say what they want openly. They insinuate, suggest and hint. Many manipulators are mentalist as they are master manipulators of thoughts and behaviour.

They may look, sound or do stupid things, but everything is done to reel in the big fish-which will be you or someone else.

How Does It Work?

The Candy Method : This method flatters your ego and promises to fulfill your desires. The underlying, unspoken message is “If you do X, you’ll be great/cool/a good person/the result will be to your advantage/, etc.” So, since you want to be great, cool, a great person and all that, you do it, without even noticing that the decision wasn’t entirely yours. Ideally, the promised “reward” is something important to you. That you will get this reward isn’t said clearly though, it’s just suggested. Just enough for you to understand it. (I'm still wondering what's with the equations)

*Sorry guys and gals but unfortunately I cannot tell you more about the procedure as it is extremely dangerous if fallen into the wrong hands. But I can tell you that its called 'The Spiderweb Effect'. Maybe I should think of a way to write in a 'non-danger' manner.

How Do They Do It?**

As I said, the real message is not expressed directly. It can be camouflaged as the expression of an objective truth, a personal feeling, or a simple question. Let’s say for example that your boss wants you to work overtime, and you refuse. Manipulative answers could be :

1. “But how are we going to do without you?” (Real message: “You are letting us down, and the project might fail because of you”),
2. “I thought I could count on you” (Real message: “I am disappointed with you. You’re not a good employee.”)
3. “I understand… Go and have fun, we’ll manage somehow! (with a sad or strained look)” (Real message: “You are an egoist.”)

*On general terms..this will make you feel guilty or shameful which makes you change your mind. Unless of course you are Heartless.

Courtesy of Ariff
©Naughty Productions 2009

** Adapted from The Definitive Book of Body Language